she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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