Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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