Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
