God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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