i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
