I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
