Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Church boner. Awkwardddd
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
