theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
