His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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