So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So vagazzling was a success
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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