its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
