Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
