he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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