Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just high enough for therapy.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
