Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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