My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
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I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
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listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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