hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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