I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
