I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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