You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
