Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
