Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
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sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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