someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
