Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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