naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
