just come out here and I will go home with you...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
