At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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