I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
