i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
