just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
