look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
