omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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