pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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