My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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