I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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