her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
