I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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