I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
