you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
