I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
