i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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