The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
