WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
