my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The Olympian is in my bed
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
