Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
