I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
