I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
