Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
