I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
