I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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