are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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