Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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