i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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