he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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