I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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