sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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