i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
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I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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